Life on the Wildside: The Best of Week 1 in the NFL

By N-F-L Correspondent Chris Kubak

Alright folks, so it’s the middle of the week and you’ve got to suffer through three more days of work before the weekend and another set of gridiron clashes. Maybe you’re sitting at work, bummed about the fact that you didn’t get to see all the games you wanted to see. Well fear not, because I’m here to summarize in ten minutes or less the best and most interesting the No-Fun League had to offer this past weekend. But enough talk, lets move on to…well to more talk…about football…yeah…

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins: Favre the Faker

Being a long time Jet fan, I’ve grown fairly accustomed to the play action fake. That was a move that Chad Pennington would do fairly often and one that he was quite good at. But this was something else. Rarely am I fooled by this sort of thing, but this one fooled me, fooled all but one Miami Dolphin and almost fooled the cameraman filming the play. Where the hell were the Dolphin corners on the play? They were busy watching Thomas Jones pretending to hold a football while staking Jerricho Cotchery to a Usain Bolt 200m type lead. Oops.

It wasn’t the most spectacular play of the week, but it was just the way the Jets wanted and needed to start their season.

Seattle Seahawks at Buffalo Bills: Ridin’ the Roscoe P. Cool-Train

Before I start on this one, I know my titles are bad, but that’s part of the fun of it.

Roscoe Parrish returns a Seattle punt 63 yards for the score. Sounds ordinary (or at least as ordinary as a punt return TD can be) right? Now there are three possible reasons as to why this play took place:

1) Roscoe Parrish is a helluva return man.
2) The Bills have some great blockers on special teams
3) The Seahawks special team players suck.

I think that it’s an amalgam of the three. After all, you have to be quick on your feet to make the kind of cuts that Parrish did and you had to be as fast as him in order to find that GAPING 25 YARD ALLEY that he used to get from the Buffalo 45 down to the Seattle 30. But then again, maybe that wouldn’t be there if his blockers don’t come through for him. Also, there is not much excuse for 5 MISSED TACKLES ON ONE PLAY. Seattle’s special teams need to invest in some glue. Even Hot Hands from the movie Little Giants could have held onto Roscoe on this one.

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers: Run Blackmon Run

Here’s another punt return for a touchdown and in impressive fashion just like Parrish. Wil Blackmon does a tremendous job staying in-bounds before he cuts back across the field for the score. He should’ve taken his blockers all out for Sonic after the game. This is another example of what a great return, combined with the utter and dismal failure of special teams, can result in. Between that and Aaron Rodgers, some fans are probably starting to forget Brett Favre.

No I’m just kidding. Ain’t nobody forgotten…yet.

Seattle at Buffalo: Brian to Ryan, Mike Holmgren’s Dyin’ (on the inside)

Here’s another one from Ralph Wilson Stadium. Brian Moorman is one of the best punters in the league. Not many people know this because not many people pay attention to punters. And even though he was given about an hour to throw the ball to Ryan Denney for the fake FG touchdown, how many punters/ holders could actually pull this one off successfully? Any guesses? Probably about 20%, I’ll guess.

But this is a play that shouldn’t work beyond high school football! That is either a credit to the Bills play selection and observatory skills, or the SEAHAWKS BLOW! Seriously nobody noticed THE ONE GUY standing out in the wings like that, lining up like a wide receiver?! I don’t care if Denney is a defensive end, if I’m on the Seahawks and 83-year old Marv Levy lines up on the wing, I’d put a man on him! But nooooooo, Denney could have moonwalked in for the score, or at least done the electric slide. But that probably would’ve been excessive celebration, 15-yard penalty…or I should say PRE-celebration.

Seattle, you suck right now. I’m pretty sure Glasgow Diamonds from 1986 could score on you NOW. And for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s some safe for work entertainment (unless your boss hates 80s music):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utsHE5xWges

Washington Redskins at New York Giants: Brandon Jacobs is a Hard, Hard Man

Brandon Jacobs is like a dump truck: he weighs a couple of tons and will flatten just about anything in his way. Unfortunately, LaRon Landry happened to be in his way. Jacobs squashed him like a traffic cone. In most states if you run over traffic cones on purpose, they give you a traffic citation. I think the NJ State Troopers are going to be kind enough to let Jacobs off with a warning this time.

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens: Joe Flacco Rides Like the Wind

The Commish of this site, Greg, will tell you that he once sacked Joe Flacco in a game…when they were both in high school (Editor's note: This one is true, I have one sack from 2001 and it's on, you guessed it, Ravens QB Joe Flacco).

Flacco’s improved just a little bit since then, though nobody will ever consider mentioning the Ravens Quarterback-By-Default in the same paragraph as the word “fast.” He’s a slow pocket quarterback, whom can be picked up at any local CVS for $19.95 minus 10% with a coupon. But when he ran the ball 38 yards for a touchdown on Sunday, juking and diving his way downfield after the pocket had been obliterated around him, he didn’t prove he was fast…he proved that he has moxie. 94.3% of all quarterbacks out there would’ve slid or taken a knee about 20 yards sooner then Flacco did when the Bengals finally tackled him in the end zone. He stared injury straight in the face over the course of those 38 yards and thumbed his nose at it, even though the team had no viable option to back him up that day. He showed that he indeed has what it takes to play in the NFL, despite all the talk to the contrary from the day that he was drafted.

Either that or he was just a wide-eyed rookie that was running out of instinct with a sense of fear in his heart, much the same as most rookies the first time they approach the end zone. Whatever. But when he rambled into the end zone, with arms and legs flailing in the sun, he ran his way into the hearts of Ravens fans everywhere, which is a good thing because he’ll need their support in the weeks to come.

Oh, and the Bengals defense blows, but you all knew that already.

Carolina Panthers at San Diego Chargers: Safe at Del-Hom(m)e

Greg likes writing limericks, but I’m going to take my swipe at the poetic yarn for just a moment:

Hickory Dickory Dock
The time ran off the clock
The clock hit one
Delhomme’s got a gun
Leaves the Chargers still moaning in shock

(Editor’s note: I approve. A lot. That is all.)

This is the kind of moment that every kid dreams of. In baseball, it’s having the bases loaded with 2 outs in the 9th and your team down by 3 runs. In basketball, it’s hitting the 3-pointer at the buzzer to win the game. In hockey, it’s scoring the winning goal in a shootout, or barring that it’s saving the winning goal in a shootout when Gunnar Stahl gets too cocky and shoots glove side. They can’t script games much better than this one…unless you’re a San Diego Super-Chargers fan. The Chargers come back from being down 19-10 to being up 24-19 with 2:32 left on the game clock. Game’s in the bag you would think.

But it seems that everybody forgets about Jake Delhomme. I know he’s coming off Tommy John surgery and I know that he doesn’t have star wideout Steve Smith on his wing. But this man did help his team make it to the Super Bowl and with the exception of 2006 he has improved every single season as a starter. Heck, he did throw eight TDs in 3 games last year before suffering the season ending injury. So what does he do here? He calmly and steadily leads his team back down the field: his own two minute drill. With two seconds left and the pocket collapsing on him, he steps back, flings the ball into double coverage and manages to find Dante Rosario in the back of the end zone with a perfect throw. No time left. Game over. Panthers win on the road.

Now that’s football right there.

Honorable Mentions:

St. Louis at Philadelphia: Stephen Jackson’s Decapitation

Not really important to the game, just really cool to watch the way the Eagles almost took his head off. Also the way Jackson sprang back up posturing, with his helmet rolling away across the turf; almost as if to indicate that he’s amazed that he’s still alive.

Denver at Oakland: Raiders Slippin’ on Nuts

Tony Scheffler of the Broncos catches one pass all night, and it takes the Raiders 5 guys to tackle him. Count ‘em: one, two, three, four, five. Though that’s because they’re too busy tripping over themselves and taking each other out with inadvertent chop blocks. Rob Ryan must buy his Alka-Seltzer by the gross from Costco. He’s gonna need them.

That’s all for now, catch you all next week.

“The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.”
-Joe Theismann